March 12, 2024

Things occur to me while I’m writing my morning pages. During the week, I’m less distracted, but also less, shall we say, creative. No, not creative, but maybe, whimsical. Given that it’s currently March Break, it’s like each day this week is a weekend day, a Saturday or a Sunday. More of a Saturday. Given a choice, I’d rather do things on a Saturday.

Today, if I remember correctly, I thought about how it would be good for me to start documenting what I’m doing more regularly. I want to grow my social media following for the sake of my business. I haven’t put out a YouTube video in a couple of weeks. I don’t post often enough to Instagram. Creating content is a chore.

The other thing I thought about, but don’t think I wrote about, is how I use “I” so frequently in my writing. This is something I’ve been wanting to change about my writing for years. I haven’t changed. This problem is one for another day.

Documenting what I’m doing could be fairly easy, I figure. I could just use my phone, not worry too much about the quality, and just gather footage and photos. A couple of things stand in my way. First, it’s an interruption. When I’m working on something I enjoy, and I enjoy woodworking, I don’t like to be interrupted. It’s the only time I turn the ringer on my phone on, because then I’ll be able to hear it ring.

Second, I’m embarrassed doing it. Filming myself, talking to the camera, recording what I’m doing, it all makes me feel foolish. Even if I were in our apartment, with no one around to hear, I’d still feel it. At the shop, I can hear other people so I know other people can hear me. This only adds to the anxiety.

Buy, why? I’m not doing anything wrong. I’m trying to tell a story and filming it is the way I’m choosing to do it. There is far more to be gained from putting in the work, facing the embarrassment, and recording what I’m achieving.

Instead, I convince myself that I’ll try again the next time I start on something. To set myself up nicely, I promise myself that I’ll make a plan and follow it through. I tell myself that I’ll just face the embarrassment, and fuck whoever can hear me or see me because I’m doing something that I want to do for myself.

I’ve turned it into a big problem, an obstacle that I’ve got to overcome. I’ll try the next time I start on something, or even when I’m back at the shop tomorrow.



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