August 27, 2023

“I have to give this a go,” I keep telling myself. My parents reiterate the same to me when I speak with them. “If I don’t try this, I’ll always wonder what could’ve come of it.” So, I’m doing it. Most of the time, it’s pretty good. Sometimes, I get nervous.

I’m an anxious person, that I know. It’s hard for me to let things go, whether that’s a mistake I made or a new tool that I want. I fixate on what might be or could’ve been instead of what’s all in front of me. I know, truly, that I have everything I could need and more. If moving all that shit over the workshop hasn’t given me any insight into just how much I have…my optometry benefits renew in September.

Diving into this project, that of making and selling handcrafted wooden (mostly) goods, as I’ve done this summer, has been really good for me. It’s given me a focus. My mom keeps reminding me that it’s a passion of mine and it also happens to be something I’m good at. Her gentle encouragement is a result of my complete inability to accept a compliment or praise from my parents. Before now, the closest that I’d gotten to woodworking was holding the flashlight for my dad. Occasionally, I’d swing a hammer — the rusty one.

What’s really been bothering me these last few days is the cost. It’s cost a lot to get this project off the ground. While I do feel like I’m making gains, I’m the one financing all of it. Nothing is selling right now. There is no money coming in.

Yet. This is a tortoise and hare tale.

To be fair, my advertising and marketing strategy is piss poor. I’ve been spending more time trying to get myself in a position to make things. I’ve been making things, too, just not enough. There are a few pens that I need to photograph and post pictures of, though. I don’t read all the emails that I get sent about how to grow your small business. Who’s got the time for that?

It feels like I’m having trouble situating myself. Where, in all of this, do I belong? Squarely in the centre. I’m the bubble in the middle of the mind map, the one that looks like a cloud and has bold letters in it. From this position, you can only see out in front of you, not what’s beside or behind. Everything is drawn out from here and remains connected.

Right now, it’s hard for me to identify the gains that I’ve made. I’m seeing the forest, not the trees. Wood is crucial to the success of this enterprise.

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