As I sit down to write this tonight, I keep thinking that everything that I want to write about, I already have. This is how much of my life has felt for the past month or so. Maybe even the last few months.
Small things change, but the general makeup of my days is the same. I go to work. I come home and try to fit in the longest nap possible. When I get up, I do more work. Then I sleep, once I’m tired.
My naps this week have been epic. I’ve had some of the best sleep I can remember during my evening, three-hour long snoozes.
My (sleeping) schedule leaves little time for socialising. I did manage to get out on Saturday past to see a friend I haven’t in months. Strangely, my desire for socialisation has diminished to match my availability for it. If we’re being honest, I’ll give up almost anything for sleep.
I keep looking forward to the summer. I keep thinking that if I can just get through the next x-number of weeks, the summer will be great. During the summer, I’ll get everything done that I’ve been wanting to.
One problem I’m finding with this forward-thinking-ness of mine is that I’m left with a feeling of dissatisfaction. I’ve been feeling resentfully generous. Perhaps that’s not the best way to describe this feeling I’ve been having.
I’ve been thinking that I’ve been overly generous as of late. I don’t mind giving. In fact, I quite enjoy it. The problem I have is that I can’t understand why I’m giving. What is driving me to be generous? Because I can’t understand the impetus or impulse, I resent it.
My thinking is that because I’m feeling dissatisfied with my current stage/state/situation in life, I’m being generous as a way to compensate. I want to find a feeling of satisfaction through generosity.
I’m not even sure that I’m making sense right now, but, in the spirit of generosity, I’m sharing my thoughts with you.
I’ve also been thinking that I really need to get a new pair of glasses, that I’m dehydrated and need to drink more water, and that I really should be on a more normal sleep schedule.
My head is a bit muddled right now.