Tag: Trying to Understand Life

  • August 30, 2023

    Having a workshop in a storage facility is an interesting experience. Overhearing conversations is all right, but what I find most fascinating is how everyone seems to avoid acknowledging each other. It’s strange.

    When I get to my workshop, I open the door – it’s like a garage door – and then I step inside and close the door behind me. I hang the lock in the slot on the rails where the bolt fits so that I can’t get accidentally locked in. Once inside, I turn on all the lights. There’s one ceiling light but it’s really only bright enough to help me find the lamps I brought in, of which there are four. That’s still not quite enough lighting.

    After that, I change my clothes. I brought in an old area rug to stand on while I change. I like that the door is closed for this. Once changed, I put some music on. I keep the volume quite low, much lower than I would like.

    While working away today, I couldn’t help but notice how many conversations were taking place outside of my allotted space. There was a constant stream of vehicles coming in and out, too. I did hear one person introduce himself, there was another couple of guys who were inquiring about renting a space, and some guy was on the phone every few minutes. His ringtone is a foghorn.

    When I leave to go to the washroom, I lock the door behind me. Along the way, I pass by a guy who’s been there every time I have. I keep an eye out, looking for an opportunity to say hi. He continued on as if completely alone. Near the washroom, there was a guy – I’ve not seen one woman at this place – who was pulling tools out of his truck. I walked by him, three feet away, and he went about his business as if I wasn’t there. Another guy had to navigate around me as we were walking toward each other in a hallway. He didn’t look up from his phone. While leaving, those two dudes who rented the space, I’m assuming, were unloading their truck. They seemed to actively avoid looking up and in my direction. They even stopped their conversation as I was passing.

    I don’t quite understand it. For my part, I try to keep the noise down while working. Of course, I do make some noise, but I keep my music low and try to avoid making too much of a racket while working away. I don’t want to be “found out,” I think, in that, I don’t want people to become curious about what I’m doing. I simply want to be left well enough alone in my space.

    In the common areas, however, I feel compelled to acknowledge the presence of someone else if I see them. I’m not going to say anything, but I will most certainly nod a hello. I’m curious about what other people are doing, but only because I think people do interesting things.

    It must be that people go to the storage warehouse to be alone. Maybe we’re aware that we can be heard and don’t want to be seen making noises to avoid confirmations of assumptions. It could also be that we’re all just puckered-up assholes, trying not to let our shit out.

  • August 26, 2023

    August 26, 2023

    A lot of things seem to be moving right now. I’m moving stuff over to the new workshop and Hannah’s moving stuff into here. We’ve already started talking about when we plan to go to work next week. There’s also the cats, who are getting to know each other and moving around the apartment. We’re trying to keep things in balance, but, as the saying goes, it’s like herding cats.

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  • June 11, 2023

    June 11, 2023

    I was hoping for more from today but I just have to accept that it was a slow day. It’s probably exactly what I needed today to be.

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  • June 3, 2023

    June 3, 2023

    I’ve come to really enjoy my weekends. They seem to be when I get to spend time doing what I want to do, largely uninterrupted. I’m starting to try to pack too much into my weekends, though.

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  • May 31, 2023

    May 31, 2023

    Something I find incredibly frustrating about teaching is how the values and ethics that I try my best to instill in the children I teach seem to disappear just outside the school’s walls. You needn’t always go even that far before you find that what I’m trying to impart as good ethics is undone. It could be in the other building, just down the hall, or even in the hallway just outside the classroom doors.

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  • May 23, 2023

    May 23, 2023

    I often wonder how other people see the world. The question is actually more like, “Do they not see what’s around them?” It happens most often when I’m traffic. That’s not to say I don’t stand amazed at the apparent differences in perspective throughout the day. I don’t stand when I’m driving – “stand” is used here as more of a figure of speech than a description.

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  • May 17, 2023

    May 17, 2023

    My sister told me that if she finds something interesting, she’ll research it and then write about it. That is how she chooses to approach life. I love it. It’s simple and straightforward, much like her. She’s managed to make a career off of her curiosity. I want to do the same.

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  • May 16, 2023

    May 16, 2023

    Weddings and funerals bring people together. I’m here for the latter. I’ve seen people I haven’t seen in close to twenty years.

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  • May 10, 2023

    May 10, 2023

    As a general rule, I’d rather not touch people or have them touch me. Today, however, I went for a massage. My back has been acting up and the irregular stretching and pain medication wasn’t enough to alleviate the tension. The massage helped but I booked another appointment. There’s a lot of work to be done.

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  • April 28, 2023

    April 28, 2023

    What has feared stopped me from doing? Lately, I’ve been trying to speak up more but I’m still not saying all that I want to, especially when I’m talking to someone who sits higher than me on a hierarchy. I keep wanting certain things to change, hoping that someone will step up and do something, but I’m not entirely willing for that person to be me.

    I’m scared. I’m afraid of what I’ll lose. I’m afraid of what I’ll have to recover from. I’m afraid that I’ll fail in vain.

    Change comes from the willingness to lose in order to make gains. Something has to be sacrificed. This is a difficult proposition to sit with. This, however, is what breeds courage.

    I don’t want to cause trouble or upset anybody but I also don’t want people to cause trouble or upset others. I don’t want to be impeded or set back by someone because of their decision to act in their own favour. I just don’t know what it is that I’m willing to lose for.

  • April 27, 2023

    April 27, 2023

    In today’s morning pages, I wrote, “I don’t want the beauty to be drained from this world.” The next sentence reads, “That should be the topic of today’s blog post.” So, here we are. I have to give this some more thought.

    The world feels less magical and wondrous than it used to. I remember when I was running around with a camera a few years back. It was a great escape for me. The city looked and felt lively. Now, it just feels heavy and cumbersome. I prefer staying in nowadays.

    I’m finding that I’m building up a little, comfortable world for myself within my apartment walls. It feels safer in here. My spirit for adventure is on hiatus.

    I should push myself harder to open my eyes to the charms of this world. There is opportunity out there. I just need to narrow my focus to find it.

  • April 19, 2023

    April 19, 2023

    I was listening to The Happiness Lab on my way to work this morning. I’ve been trying to listen my way through the podcast. I think I’m now only a year back. Anyway, this morning I was listening to an episode about burnout.

    I think I’m burnt out.

    It might have been only a couple of years ago when I felt burnt out. I remember it being a whirlwind of a time for me. This time is different. This time, I think that my burn out is a result of something different, something more insidious. And, I think, too, that whatever I’m trying to do to combat the feeling is not quite enough.

    I don’t want to be here but avoiding it isn’t going to make the situation better. Maybe this is why yesterday’s Wordle result resonated with me.

    It feels a bit like I’ve been spinning my wheels lately. I’m uncomfortable when remaining stagnant. I can get myself in trouble when things slow down too much so I want to be sure to do what I can to lessen the impacts of what’s become a pandemic, of sorts, of its own.