Casey Neistat talks about ADD in one of his recent videos. The way he describes it, as the ability to hyper focus but unable to commit to anything long term, resonated with me. I feel like that’s how I am, too.
(more…)Tag: Self-Reflection
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April 4, 2023
I bought this binder when I was working on Letters’ Lounge, a website I started over 15 years ago. The idea was simple: people write in anonymous letters. I liked the idea a lot. Life got in the way and it never quite panned out. It’s okay, though, because it started me down a journey of discovery.
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What’s a lie you tell yourself?
The problem with most of the lies that I tell myself is that I think most of them are, in fact, truths. What I believe to be true and what other people believe to be true can differ and that’s when things get a bit confusing.
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What brings you joy in life?
It’s an interesting way to phrase the question: what brings you joy? As if to say that it is not something your create yourself but is served to you.
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Compulsion to Say Something
I was waiting for the elevator in the lobby of my building. Not my building but the building that I live in. Some folks had just left on an elevator. I waited for the door to close and the sign to let me know that they were headed to the second floor before pressing the button to call another elevator. There are three.
While waiting, someone else joined me in the lobby. A younger man, about half my age perhaps, maybe slightly older. When the next elevator arrived, I happened to be standing next to it. The feeling when that happens is similar to lining up just so with the doors of a subway car when it stops. I waited for the doors to open to see if anyone was coming out. Buddy didn’t wait. He started walking right in.
We met in the doorway. I turned to him and asked if he didn’t see me waiting for the elevator. I spoke to him the same way I would a student who’s been acting out of turn, trying to make the class laugh or some such tomfoolery. He apologized.
As I was exiting the elevator on my floor. Well, not my floor but you know what I mean, I nodded to him as I would anyone else who still had to go higher up.
That was a couple of days ago. This morning, someone quickly backed out of their parking stall and right onto the ramp between the second and third floors of the parking garage. I was heading up from the third and she was heading down from the second. I had to stop for her awkwardly. The ramp are quite steep.
I followed her through the maze of the parking garage and out onto the street. The light was red at the next intersection, she was in the right lane (a lane reserved for buses, taxis, bicycles, motorcycles, and emergency vehicles at the time) and I was in the left. I rolled down the passenger-side window of the car and signalled for her to roll down her window. She did. I told her that what she did was quite dangerous. She said, “I apologize,” and left it at that. I think I had a perplexed look on my face. When the light turned green and I took off, on my way to work.
People seem to apologize without ever saying they’re sorry and without any sincerity. It’s as if they’ve read the situation and decided that the best way for them to get out of the situation is to just apologize and move on. There’s no indication of any intention to do better.
I’m not bothered so much by the response that people give me, even though they seem trite, but by my compulsion to say anything at all. This is a new thing for me. Before, I would curse at them outside of earshot. I don’t know what’s changed and I don’t like it. My patience has run out, I guess.
Why do I feel compelled to say anything? What is my intention in doing so? Are other people writing about their interactions with me on their blogs?
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Angry All the Time
It was only a few years ago when I found out that the therapist I was seeing in high school was for anger management. I don’t recall what exactly I thought the reason was then, but if I had to guess today I’d say it was because I was sad. Most likely, I was both, sad and angry.
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How we’re seen
It seemed as though I was being reminded today that it’s easier to see the strength and good quality of others than it is to see in ourselves.
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Enough with the self-reflection
I met with a counsellor recently who ended our first session together with this: “Check in with yourself and notice how you feel.” After an hour-long session, I was being asked to self-reflect. While this is solid advice, it left me feeling unheard because self-reflection is what led me to seek out assistance. What I needed from the session were practical takeaways – what can I do to start climbing out of this rut? Sharpening the shovel that I used to dig the hole isn’t going to help.
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Compliments don’t align with my self-image
I hope that this doesn’t turn into a diatribe about my poor self-image. It’s really meant to be more of a brief reflection on why it’s difficult for me to accept compliments, which I get from time to time.
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