Is this ennui?

As if disinteresting enough to be unmemorable, I always have to look up the definition of “ennui” when I think of the word. I like how the word sounds. It’s the “en”, that French “on”, that I find most attractive about the word. But, then, la langue de l’amour has always been attractive to me, maybe because I understand about as much of it as I do about love.

For the last few days, I’ve been overwhelmed with this sense of underwhelm-ed-ness. Nothing has been especially exciting, but nothing has been rather boring, either. Yeah, I have things to do, but I’m just kind of getting through them. Whatever I don’t get done, I just add to my list of things to do, not really hoping but planning to get to them when I get some time, which I have because I’m not really doing much, but don’t really have because by the time I feel like doing anything something else might have come up, but that’s not so important so I just take a nap and then wake up hungry and look through my kitchen for a quick meal, which isn’t very exciting so I just sit in my chair, slowly pecking away, and half-watch TV while scrolling through some social media site, finding nothing worth looking at, so I crawl into bed and hope think that tomorrow will be more productive.

So, yeah, it’s been like that for the last few days.

I feel like Sartre would have something to say about this. I’m sure that somewhere, buried deep in the pages of Being and Nothingness is the perfect description of the situation I’m facing. This is probably a state of some creative genesis.

Or, this is an extended Heideggerian “moment of vision”, which I still don’t quite understand and don’t have four months to commit to figuring out.

I’m probably wrongly remembering all of these concepts, once only slightly more familiar to me.

Maybe this is just a mild case of seasonal affective disorder.

I don’t know.

Maybe it’s just that time of the year when you look at your life, and your growing belly, and think, “Oh, fuck, man, I should make some changes.” So, you go to the grocery store and purchase all organic foods, exercising your commitment to a healthy and sustainable lifestyle. When you get home, you cut up some fresh vegetables, pour yourself a glass of $10 milk, and open a book that’s been sitting unread on your shelf for a few years. While reading the preface, you realize that you haven’t read enough in your life. Going back to the gym will probably help you focus better, so you schedule it in for the next month.

Weren’t you supposed to look into writing groups in the city?

If you’re not doing anything else, you may as well write a post on your blog about it. Maybe somebody will read it.

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