It Was a Terrible Second Date

The worst part is that you have hope this time.

I like hope. I like hope in the way that Red, from The Shawshank Redemption, doesn’t. I think that if you aren’t willing to try for nothin’, nothin’ ain’t ever goin’ happen.

But, take this from a man who always has a well-stocked refrigerator before he makes plans for an evening out with a woman.

The rest of what I’m about to write, I envision as being read in a deep highland Scottish accent. I’d make a recording of me reading it, but I might be too mooch under the ways of alcohol.

There ain’t never gonna be a wooman that’s is right for yoo. Of’en all there is in dis life is the approximation of wha’ ya want tid.

Yoo may feel dejected naw, but it’s temporary. There aar, a woman who will be right fer yoo. Jus’ wai’.

Sure, she were pretty, but surely weren’t pretty enough fer yoo. Sometime’, this is how life’ it go. Sometime’, it jus’ ain’t gonna happen.

I held a baby for the first time in my life tonight

This is the first time that I've ever held a baby.
This is the first time that I’ve ever held a baby.

Here are the responses that I received:

Sister: Hahahah you look so scared! But it’s super cute. Please say hello to Jordan and Matt for me! And congrats

Me: I’m terrified!

Sister: Hahahaha. You look it!

Me: Great. Good look for me. Loves

Sister: Well you don’t need to worry yet! I hope. Loves

Me: Hell no! Loves

Sister: Loves

Dad: Yam nice you look good big smile Loves dad

Me: Ha ha. Thanks. Loves

Maa: What a cute tall baby. Nice to see you hold a baby. Looks so good. Loves

Me: #fear

Zahra: *five laughing with tears emojis* You’re either going to be the best or the worst dad

Me: Why?

Zahra: Because I said so

Me: That was the first time I ever held a baby.

Zahra: Well good for you, you looked completely natural.

Me: There was terror in my insides. Terror.

Zahra: Yes I could tell

Me: You said I looked completely natural.

Zahra: I was being sarcastic. I punctuated it.