32 Changes in the Last Three Years

To celebrate my birthday this year, I did something that I’ve been meaning to do for three years. On the Friday before my birthday, I went to a martini bar at a hotel where I had stayed three years ago. After that, I went to my favourite bar in town and proceeded to have a few beverages. While there, I sat and wrote, like I tend to do.

Intoxication - NietzscheHere’s what I wrote, with bourbon and beer for company:

20.37 May 1, 2015

I did something tonight that I’ve been wanting to do for about three years. I did it three years to the day, too. I went to the bar at the Pantages hotel.

Doesn’t sound like too momentous an occasion, does it? It was anti-climactic. Still, I feel better for having done it.

I didn’t stay for long, just long enough to have a dirty gin martini and a salad. There was no reason to stay and no compulsion to leave.

It took me three years to go. It took me three years to finally get over the reason I live in Toronto. It took me three years.

What, in three years, has changed?

Let’s count the ways:

  1. I live in Toronto
  2. I’m a qualified teacher
  3. I have a good job and career
  4. I have a really great group of friends
  5. I live on my own
  6. I’m single
  7. I have a new satchel
  8. I’m having some real success with quitting smoking
  9. I have grey hairs
  10. I have an iPhone again
  11. My car is registered in Toronto/Ontario
  12. My sister is doing her Ph.D.
  13. My sister went to and came back from East Africa
  14. I’m working my way out of my debt
  15. I lived in Orillia for a year
  16. I’ve been on dates
  17. I’ve had sex with some women
  18. I have an online dating profile
  19. I have a different blog
  20. I have an iPad Mini
  21. I have a MacBook
  22. I’ve started to enjoy more casual nights out
  23. I like wearing shorts in warm weather
  24. I have a new Facebook account
  25. I have new pens
  26. I’ve enjoyed celebrating every birthday I’ve had since moving here
  27. I filed my own taxes
  28. I tried growing vegetables
  29. My grandmother died
  30. I took out my earrings
  31. I don’t take pictures as much as I used to
  32. The last thing that comes to mind: I actually give a shit about what I’m doing in and with my life

It was rather hard to come up with 32 things that have changed in my life in the last three years. Perhaps the significance lies in the quality of the changes.

I briefly entertained the idea of making a list of the things that haven’t changed, but it seems rather unwise. Let us focus on progress tonight, as the bourbon and beer wears on.

I keep asking myself what it is that I might want. Tonight, I just want things to keep going the way that they have been. So, then, what is that?

I want my career to progress, because I’m (really) good at what I’m doing now. I want to be better. I believe in what I do.

I want to get incredibly comfortable with the idea that I will live my life alone. I don’t think that this a matter of choice but of design.

I want to publish a work of writing. I think that I am good enough to be successful. I just have to start putting the work in. I’m too fucking lazy.

***

I’ve gotten drunk enough tonight, before 23:00, to have to make a real decision: home, dancing, or elsewhere. I should go home. I would like to dance. I really shouldn’t decide to go anywhere else.

This has got to stop. I’ve got tonight and tomorrow before it ends.

***

I really want to dance.

23.10

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *