Life is So Cra Right Now

I’m not entirely sure of how to spell “cra”, as in “cra-zy”, but there it is.

Tonight, for the first time in four weeks, I have some time for myself. I decided to cancel all of my evening tutoring sessions for this week, in order to give myself some time to get things done and get in touch with myself again. That I decided to blog, opening up my thoughts to the internet, is uncanny.

Last Friday, I lost my phone. This meant that I missed a brunch, birthday party, and a few other things that I had to do. I’ve yet to reach out to the necessary people and explain what happened, offering my sincerest apologies for not getting in touch and for falling asleep by 21:30 every night. I think I have tomorrow afternoon off, and I’ve already started making a list.

Teaching is really hard. It’s so hard. By the end of each day, my trapezius is tense and my shoulders start curling in toward my chest. Stress. My feet smell worse than an abandoned slaughter-house, and the moisture in my shoes and between my toes is palpable. On my feet all day. I haven’t the time to shave in the morning, or stop at Starbucks for a coffee. I’m tired. I spend my evenings marking and lesson planning, while trying to appease a lonesome and seemingly tireless cat. The day doesn’t end. My lunches consist of pita bread, hummus, pre-cut vegetables, and ready-made soups. I’m not eating properly. I opened the unfinished bottle of wine last Thursday. It’s oxidized.

I’m not even sure of what to write about. So much of my day flies by so quickly that I barely have enough time to make a note about it on my clipboard. I have so many bloody emails, phone calls, and text messages to respond to. I haven’t turned the ringer on my phone on in nearly three weeks. I check it in the morning while I’m riding the elevator down to my car, and then again before I plug it in, still 94% charged, before I go to bed. I mostly just unlock it so that the notifications disappear from the lock screen.

I wasn’t prepared for this. This busyness. This constant mulling over the future of students. This constant change in challenges to face and resolve. This never-ending desire to go for a quiet, unrushed pee and finally have the chance to sit down during the day.

Never before have I wished for an MFD (multi-function device) of my own. I want to be able to print and photocopy when the need arises, not in anticipation of a lesson that I may not get to.

I also want some real quiet; I want to be able to listen and hear nothing. Is this the sort of pleasure that one finds in a hyperbaric chamber?

I could also, probably, use a good lay.

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