I recently started teachers college, and it’s shaping up to be a very busy semester. I have nine weeks of class before five weeks of practicum. That’s a lot of work to accomplish in 14 weeks. And, get this, the first week is already over!
Tomorrow morning I have a math exam, which I’m sure I’ve touched on, so tonight I decided I would have fish for dinner. You know, brain food.
While I was sitting at my dinner table, pictured below, I found that my mind was wandering a little toward the subject of women.
I soon realized that it’s not uncommon for me to think about women. Every time I see a woman, I size her up. What I mean to say is that I judge her on her compatibility with me.
Now, this is a strange thing to do upon seeing a woman, or any person, but I don’t think I’m unique in this.
Here’s the troubling bit: there are a few women that I think about more often than any others. These women don’t really exist, except for in my memory. Which means that I’m holding onto the past. A past. This isn’t a good thing for my future. I want this to stop.
How am I going to make this stop?
I’ve been thinking up ways:
- Do I stop masturbating? I mean, if I don’t sexualize women in my imagination, then maybe they won’t be sexually attractive in real life?
- Do I start praying every time I see a woman? Who better than God to instil fear? (I’m not religious, so this solution is problematic.)
- Should I stare directly into a woman’s eyes when I’m in contact with her? If I look at nothing but her eyes, then maybe she isn’t really a woman, and she’s just another person. (The feminist in me is screaming obscenities at this suggestion.)
- Should I picture every woman who I’m attracted to be in her nineties? Surely, she won’t be as attractive then.
- Maybe I should just keep my head down?
Right, I took a tangent there. I really need to focus on the next school year and make shit happen, and women are a distraction for me. I don’t have time, or money, to be wasting. It’s not that a woman is a wasted investment, but it does involve me sharing myself with her. I’ve really got to focus on my own development this year.
Anyway, I often find myself smiling at memories and thoughts that I’m having. This happens very publicly. I’ll be walking down the street, hear a song on my iPod, and just lose myself in thoughts of a woman. This wouldn’t be so public if it weren’t for the wide grin that inevitably smatters itself across my face.
These thoughts are worst when you’re making a dinner for one, and sitting down to eat it at a table for four. I find dinning alone to be one of the loneliest experiences in the world. I’ll happily go to a movie alone, drive for hours – even days – by myself, or go to a pub and drink without company. When it comes to grocery shopping and dinner, that’s when I get lonely. For me, dinning alone seems to be the epitome of self-reliance; all of your attention is focused on your own sustenance.
On the bright side, there isn’t the opportunity to speak with your mouth full.
(I haven’t really done justice to this topic – that’s how confusing the whole this is to me – so I’m going to work on another post about it. For now, isn’t that a stellar dinner table?)